003

Living in New York for 11 years you see a lot of people come in and out of your life. When my last relationship ended two years I felt like I had to make friends again in my late twenties. To be honest, it was the weirdest thing ever. I went on friend dates. I went to parties. I tried to strike up conversation with people at the coffee shop. My mind works differently than most people and it’s hard for me to relate to many (if you don’t know about Lumerians or the Vortex but also Cardi B and Kodak Black we’re probably not going to get along). After a while, I realized a really hard lesson: it wasn’t challenging to make friends...it was my depression and sadness and heartbreak that was causing me to be a bad friend. All I wanted to do was talk about how unhappy I was, how things weren’t working out. I wanted people to care about me but I rarely showed up big for them. One of my New Years resolutions for 2017 was to be a better friend, not to make more friends. I started saying hi to people more. I became more open instead of closed off. In my sixth year at this school, in 2018, I actually know peoples names now. I know which neighborhood they live in. Which kind of music they like. I started asking questions instead of asking advice. And the irony is that I feel more supported now that when I was desperate for that support. In this photo I’m actually in a lot of pain. My posture has gotten terrible from sitting at the computer all day, everyday. My friends could see I was limping and because I had shown up again and again for them, they showed up for me without even asking. One friend rubbed my back with lavender oil and did some energy woo woo that felt real good. Another friend massaged my hand on the subway ride home when we bumped into each other on the platform. But this photo right here is my favorite, albeit unflattering, because my best friend told me to pop a squat, and did so with me in the middle of the hallway, to help not just decompress the pain at its most excruciating moment but to make me laugh and forget that I was even in pain at all.