I’ve been thinking about trust a lot lately. How it’s ethereal, unable to be touched, yet essential for survival as a human being. In order to survive we must rely on trust. To be able to trust that when we fall down, we can stand up again. To trust when we get our hearts broken, we’ll find love again. To trust, when we feel lost, that we’ll find our way again. To trust, when someone we love dearly dies, that one day we'll be able to breathe again. To trust, when our bodies aren’t working, that we’ll be healthy again. To trust, that even in the darkest of places, we’ll see light again.
I've been thinking about trust a lot lately because i've been tested to let go and trust more than ever this year: trust that everything is going to be okay, trust that I am enough, trust that things will work out, trust that I will meet someone, trust that I’ll be successful, trust that I am smart, beautiful, wise, and worthy.
As we get older and tested by time, we have to learn to not lose that trust, most importantly in this day and age, the trust in ourselves. We have to remind ourselves to trust in our power, strength, and grace, again and again. To remind ourselves that we’re good enough, even when we’re surrounded by people, experiences, and streams that invoke feelings inside of us where we feel we are not.
Over the last three years as I've grown more and more into being an adult, I've compared myself more and more, unfortunately, to others: their success, their looks, their careers, their homes, their lives. I kept telling myself all the ways in which I didn’t have it all, wasn’t good enough, just wasn’t quite there yet. If I just did a little more self growth, a lot more meditations, if my skin was a little clearer, if I was a lot busier, if I had more degrees, if I ask everyone else around me how to get there, then maybe, someday, I could too have it all.
A couple of months ago I had hit rock bottom with dating. I kept meeting emotionally unavailable men. One after the other. I said to myself, I don’t get it, I’m pretty, I’m a good person, and I’m a great girlfriend. After a while, I admit to myself how insecure I was feeling about how my life looked.....to me. How I was still in school finishing a degree, not making millions like peers I know. How my sweet and humble apartment is not the SoHo loft other women I know have. How I was still single watching Will and Grace with my cat every night when everyone around me was in relationships, engaged, married, and starting families.
I became obsessed with this realization. I searched and searched for all the ways in which I compared myself to others and saw how much I was constantly bringing myself down by this comparison.
I made a decision that from that moment on I would remind myself, yes, remind myself, everyday of all the amazing, wonderful, fantastic things about me. That I, who never could get above a C in Biology, am now studying medicine, that I work for an incredible brand I love as a Beauty Editor, that I have traveled the country teaching meditation to the most incredible people in the world, that I am funny (sometimes…), caring, smart, wise, and beautiful. Everyday for the past few months I have been reminding myself, filling up my proverbial tank of self-worth by reminding, reminding, reminding myself of all my triumphs, all my successes, all my victories, instead of constantly reflecting on how I’m still not where I want to be. It seems so simple, this little daily reminder, but life has changed quite dramatically.
I’ve had a hard time deciding where I want Benshen to go, watching it grow from a humble little skincare line that blew up way too fast to somehow becoming a platform to help others feel confident and beautiful. I’ve been thinking a lot how I can give back more, share more, and it always comes back to writing. As I have 6 months left to go to finish my Masters Degree, I realize I can do everything but not at once. While I would love to make Benshen a structured platform of inspiration and meditations and inner beauty, I can’t do it all right now. But what I can do is write, and I can share, and I can offer some insights on all the things that have inspired me along the way. So as Benshen continues to find its path as I dive deeper into my studies to end this five-year program with a bang, I hope you’ll come along on this ride with me.