Why does it feel like everyone is dating but me?

The first thing I will say is…maybe they are! Now of course I don’t know your full story but I know the feeling. Sometimes it can feel like everyone is living their life and you’re sitting around twirling your thumbs if they’re not busy swiping left and right. Modern dating can sometimes feel so frustrating that at times we want to throw our phones out the window and our sanity out the door. We may even want to give it up all together so we end up sitting alone wondering, “why is everyone dating but me”.

Obviously, there are so many layers to why you may not be attracting a partner - maybe there’s growth that needs to happen in other areas of your life or you have to work on your confidence. But in the meantime, but that doesn’t mean that you have to sit around in a self-induced pity party. What I would suggest to you is to stop thinking of it as dating but as going out and living your life, meeting people, engaging with the world in the most playful way. I was recently listening to a podcast with Lewis Howes and Matthew Hussey, the King of Modern Dating, where Matthew talked about how with the rise of dating apps, everyone is so warped about finding someone because the possibility of finding one is so much greater and faster. Yet, the problem with this is that because there’s so many options, the interactions are less meaningful and people are getting hurt left and right.

What Matthew suggests is that we all stop looking at dating as DATING. He talks about this because with the rise of dating apps, he explains that contrary to what we believe, people are actually going on much less meaningful dates, interacting with less people IRL, and even, as a society, we are having less sex than ever. He goes on to explain that the reason for this is because of something called activation energy. Something that takes more activation energy, people are less likely to do. To get all dressed up, go out, meet someone in real life takes more activation energy than sitting on your couch and swiping. But the latter is what makes meeting people on apps somewhat less meaninful (of course, there are many exceptions). When we meet people in person, because the activation energy is so high, it actually holds more gold - there’s interaction, connection, excitement, and the surge of possibility. Especially in today’s age it will feel even more thrilling to meet someone IRl rather than online because we’re getting to a point where the dating app bubble is becoming so overwhelming to people that when you do connect with someone in person, it’s much more enticing.

With all that said, my advice to you if you feel like everyone is dating but you, get off the apps (if you’re on them), off the couch (if you’re on one), and start to master the art of flirting with the world. If you feel like everyone else is dating, I want you to stop looking at it as you’re dating and looking for the one but try on a new adventure: become a master at connecting with people.

My challenge to you is for the next 40 days, I want you to say hi to one new person a day. Make a conversation with someone. At the coffee shop, at your gym. Comment on their shirt. Their shoes. Make them laugh. I don’t care who you talk to, the point is to learn how to engage with the world in a fun, playful way. Not only will you start to enjoy every single day more because you’re meeting so many new people but you’ll forget all about that dating thing as you start to make more connections in person. And then, once you build up enough confidence in your ability to connect with people, you’ll be able to walk right up to someone you think is cute and say hello. With confidence, a smile, and the ability to connect with anyone and everyone, you never know where a little small talk and a whole lotta spark can go.

I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks, and now I can feel him pulling away. I want to stay in my power. What should I do?

Modern dating is the tilt-a-whirl we never asked to get on. But here we are on the ride and have to learn the new rules of modern love. Love has always been relatively simple throughout history: you came, your courted, you conquered. Now, we have a new thing called *dating apps*. Think about it - never in the history of the world have we ever had such a thing. And now we’re all putting ourselves online and on sale for love but unlike Amazon, there’s no option to choose “handle with care.” We have an entirely new vocabulary around dating too: there’s ghosting, and also orbiting, and I’m not entirely certain if you’ve heard of submarining, but that’s one too. So what’s a girl/guy to do in this hot mess of mixed feelings and too many opportunities? You take it back to the basics: understanding the fundamental psychological makeup of women and men and from there you understand the rules of love. Yogi Bhajan called this Humanology, a huge topic where he explains how Humans work essentially. In one of my favorite lectures he says, “A man fundamentally wants freedom and a woman wants security.” So if he’s pulling away (freedom) that’s triggering your security (to insecurities) and the only way to solve that as with any problem is to find your own security. Don’t text to talk about it, that will be the downfall of that. As Sherry Argov says, “Men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact.” (This is different for same-sex relationships because each understands the needs of the sex better, as they are the same). So put your phone down, your red lips on, go out for a night on the town with your best friends or take yourself on a date to the museum. And in that time, ask yourself - “Is this person making me feel how I truly desire to feel?” And that’s up to you to stand your ground. My personal motto is don’t text them or call them. If they’re treating me in a way that doesn’t align with how I want to be treated, then I simply move on with grace. Save the drama, it’s a big energy leak.

My boyfriend + I have been together for a few months. Things are great but we have at least 1 heavy convo a day. We’re great at resolving it but does this mean we’re not compatible?

Passion has two sides of the same coin - drama or pleasure. Sometimes, we subconsciously use drama to get something that we could through pleasure instead, we’re just not taught how to do this. So we create a big deal over it in order to get what we actually want, instead of just asking our partner for it... or fulfilling our desires ourselves first. Whenever I feel like I want to have a heavy talk with a partner I always ask myself, “what am I trying to get out of this? What do I want and can I give myself this first?” And then I can usually resolve the situation on my own because I can fulfill my own needs rather than relying on someone else to do it. Or sometimes you’ve just got to save the drama for your mama and insert pleasure instead. Rather than being passive aggressive because he /she didn’t do the dishes (again) and make a whole scene over this, channel your inner fiery self and look at him / her in the eye and say with a coy smile, “If you don’t do the dishes, I’ll have to punish you later...” I can guarantee you not only will you get their attention from that playful remark and the dishes get done, but you’ll have a wild night in the sheets together with sparks flying and creating deeper intimacy rather than creating more problems and tears that don’t need to be shed. More pleasure, less drama should be your new motto. Also a wild night in bed with your partner will make your skin glow and hair shine like Kira Kira so let that be your motivation to drop the drama if nothing else works...

How can I attract potential dates or at the very least have a better dating experience outside of the apps?

I love this question because in this very digital world we live in, so many others are thinking the same thing as you. I personally have used the apps for years, and they worked fine and dandy for some time, giving me the opportunity to meet new and interesting people outside of my circle. However, after a year or so of the experiences getting worse and worse (think, handsome man shows up to date, raises hand to order a drink for us, and low-and-behold is wearing a wedding ring…”I’m in an open marriage, is that a problem?”), I too began to wonder, “how can I meet more people IRL”. People have done it for THOUSANDS of years, so why all the sudden are we in an epidemic where now more than ever we are having trouble meeting new people? Because we’re too busy looking down on our phones instead of engaging with the world around us.

A couple of months ago, my godmother was in town visiting. Now, my godmother is a bonafide vixen. She never leaves the house undone, her voice is husky like Marilyn, and oozes sensuality like honey. As if Venus plotted her onto Earth herself, my godmother not only always looks *gorgeous* but she knows how to bring a smile to everyone’s face. She’s chatty, uplifting, and can make almost anyone laugh with her quick-witted humor. I almost feel as though I am reading of one of the women in my favorite book, Seductress by Betsy Prioleau. These women knew how to flirt with the world and have a ball.

On this particular night, she blew my mind, mostly because I think this very topic was ruminating through my head on how do we make ourselves more open to meeting new people, how do we master the art of communication and small talk so that we can say to hi to anyone and everyone, and possibly, just possibly, even meet The One, just by flashing a smile?

After arriving to dinner later than the rest of us, with a big smile on her face she waved and kissed each of us hello before sitting next to my godfather.

The waiter came over to her and asked, “Excuse me, miss, do you have any allergies?”

She replied almost immediately with a big smile, “Just to cute men…achoo, achoo!”

Now this waiter wasn’t even particularly cute. A young man, taxed from the night of standing on his feet, serving many on a Friday eve in SoHo. When she made this hilariously cute comment, it brought the biggest smile to his face and he beamed with pride the rest of the night. The whole table had a good laugh as well. He brought her a free drink and even had a newfound pep in his step. And the most important thing is how it uplifted everyone: he suddenly felt like a handsome kind and she felt playful and joyous, all while having zero expectations of the outcome other than to make him smile.

The reason I loved this exchange so much is because my godmother reminded me that she is a master at the Art of Flirting, in caps as this is a chapter in one of my favorite books Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. As Mama Gena says, “Flirtation is a woman’s access to the life force… A woman in the act of flirting can beguile the entire world with her enthusiasm. She is in the state of her highest glory. She looks beautiful, she is always having fun, she feels powerful. She senses what is right for herself and others, she trusts her instincts. She needs no man, no one, and she can enjoy everyone around her. She demands the best from herself and others, knowing that gratification is not only possible, it is her birthright. Are you not humble before your own talents? It’s not just Helen of Troy who could launch a thousand ships. Baby, it’s you!”

If you want to have better experiences off the apps, you have to learn how to flirt with the world. When I noticed a cute new guy in the neighborhood, I called my godmother, wondering what the master would do. She said next time you see him, chin up, chest out, smile big and say, “It’s a beautiful day isn’t it?” and keep on walking baby…make him wonder. Now mind you, this does NOT mean be a ho. Flirting means learning the art of fun and playful conversations, with men and women alike. It takes practice so start small. Make small talk with the barista, say hi to the mailman, ask the girl at the register while you’re buying that cute dress how her weekend was? Practice makes perfect and you never know who you may chat up next…