Even with my level of openness on here, this is hard to share but I have been telling this story with clients so I feel its time to share with you all as well.
November took me through a financial hell I never imagined experiencing again. I can’t remember what was the trigger but some torpedo blew up my self-worth and I went down a blackhole of I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know enough to teach, I don’t know enough to write, etc.
I went from sold out workshops to two cancelled workshops. I went from lots of clients to two clients in a month and a half. My retreat partner and I were planning this trip to Mexico and what we were sure would sell out was having trouble selling and we were both terrified we would have to not only cancel but pay them money. A LOT of money. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, let alone pay for rent that month. And I was doing the prosperity practices. What the actual fuck was going on.
One day it happened. I had my first panic attack in a very long time. I had tried to stay so positive, so firm, stuffing everything down with affirmations that I just broke. I laid down in bed, crying, I said, “God, I don’t know if you’re real but I really need you right now. Please show me what to do.”
I went into a very, very deep sleep. My nervous system was a mess from the anxiety and stress. I don’t remember it clearly but I remember hearing my voice talking in my dream and my whole body began to relax. I suddenly woke up and I felt a very strange sense of calm. Something told me to open my email and the first thing that was there was a Prosperity meditation in an email from Sikh Dharma called Bahuta Karam with Mudra (the 25th Pauri of Japji). The very next day the idea to restructure the Benshen Sessions came to me with such potent clarity it was as if someone told me the idea and handed it to me on a golden, not silver platter. I ran to my notebook and pieced together a six month plan for the Benshen Sessions and everything I had been trying to figure out how to offer my passions came together.
I stepped back and looked at it feeling absolutely empowered and realized, the only reason I was feeling unworthy was because I wasn’t offering what I truly wanted to offer. I was trying to emulate everyone else and how they were teaching, sharing, working, and I didn’t even realize it. I finally had the structure I was looking for and felt absolutely confident that things would turn around quickly.
For 11 days I did the Bahuta Karam meditation and stuck to my plan of re-launching the Benshen Sessions. Within that time, I had a workshop planned that completely sold-out. I went from two clients to an absolutely full schedule of incredible women and men who are amazing to work with. And finally, our retreat sold out, with even more people wanting to come that we willingly opened up more space to fit you all (we have one spot left!). I eventually went back to my original prosperity meditations and practices that began working even more effectively than ever.
I share this all with you because very few people give the behind the scenes and I hope that my stories inspire you to realize that you are the creator of your life and have the tools to get you from where you are to where you want to be. And if you need help, I’m here for you.
THE BENSHEN SESSIONS :: PROSPERITY
The Benshen Sessions are now a bi-monthly thematic offering, with the first theme of PROSPERITY. In each session, we will spend the first 30 minutes in dialogue + writing exercises to get clear about where you are vs where you want to be. The second 30 minutes we will use the Kundalini Yoga + Meditation to clear the inner + outer blocks and help you get you where you want to be, and fast. Each session is 60 minutes available in person in Williamsburg or via FaceTime • $80 • email desireeSpais@gmail.com to reserve your spot.
"If you want two hundred things in your life sit and meditate, they will come to you... If you do not run after things, things will run after you, only your hassle will not be there, but what I have seen you, you have been trained to hassle." - Yogi Bhajan