As a single woman living in New York City navigating the waters of modern dating, Ive learned a thing or two. Not because I’ve taken my friends advice (I’m 50% deaf, didn’t hear you...) and definitely not because I’ve taken momma’s advice (ugh why are they always right?). I’ve decided to start sharing what I’ve learned the hard way, as well as tidbits of conversations with girlfriends on how to reclaim our power when it comes to first dates and meeting new people in a time when it’s easy to feel dispensable.
1. BE THE OVUM - You meet someone or you match with someone - they're cute, you hit it off, and you want something to happen. However, we know that anything we chase in life is what we also push away. That neediness can be felt miles away. It's important to learn the art of letting things come your way - doesn't it feel so much better when they reach out and make a plan versus you reaching out and saying, "Sooooooo are we still on for tonight?" My best friend describes this concept as BEING THE OVUM. In the fundamental experience of man + woman and baseline sexual energy + attraction, we can learn a lot from how sperm interacts with the egg. The egg sits patiently, painting her damn nails, as she awaits for the sperm to spin in circles and make its way over for fertilization. This is the same concept with dating, essentially. In basic makeup, men want to pursue the woman (of course, there's exceptions for everything, but I'm talking to rules, not exceptions). Because we live in a time where insecurities and fears are at a all time high, it's hard to trust that we are worthy enough to be pursued. But if you can start to understand that men LOVE the chase (don't lie boys) they we can start to see that we're really just playing the game of love, not actually "playing games." No more chasing, no more reaching out more than necessary, no more insecurities leading you to cling onto what's not fighting for you. Hold you power and trust that there's many a men circling around waiting to find you. (Of course, once you are in your full sexual power and feel absolutely confident and EXCITED to approach someone yourself, you can totally play that game - but you have to be completely in your power and able to project confidence and radiance rather than neediness - aka if it doesn't go the way you planned it to go, you can easily laugh it off and move on). If you have trouble trusting
2. FIRST DATE, YOUR TERRITORY - I definitely didn't learn this one from the books. I always thought of myself as an easy going kind of gal when it came to setting up the date. You're running 20 mins late? No prob! You want to text me two hours before the date to schedule the time and place? Amazing! Oh, you want to meet in your neighborhood? Sure!
Fast forward two years later: 20 minutes late? Someone better have died. Text me two hours before the date to schedule? LOL. Meet in your neighborhood? It was nice to meet you! All of this may seem extreme but after two years of being so easy going and flexible, I learned that the more I valued myself and my time, the more others began to value me. I have a 15 minutes late policy TOPS unless there is a very believable reason (traffic doesn't really cut it - should have left on time or with enough time to estimate traffic). When it comes to scheduling the actual date, I give a 24 hours prior to date window: if you agree to meet on Saturday evening, time and place absolutely must be locked in by Friday evening. Otherwise you have plans. If you don't have plans, make plans. No one wants someone who is sitting around and waiting for them to come through - it shows that you don't have a life outside of a relationship and we all know that you do! If a man asks to meet in his neighborhood the first date, I've learned through experience that this means they're really not willing to go out of their way to treat you like a Queen. It shows that the man is a gentleman if they offer to come to your neighborhood. It's not really about logistics (i.e. his neighborhood could be 10 minutes away) but it's about how a person is willing to show up and treat you. And the first date especially tells you more than you could imagine.
3. THREE QUESTION RULE - To my ladies navigating the waters of online dating, I feel for you. While dating apps can be a fun and exciting tool to meet people outside of your circle of friends, it can also be exhausting and feel like a second job. My general rule of thumb is if it ain't easy the first few exchanges, it ain't going to be easy when you finally connect (again, there's exceptions, but I'm speaking to 99% of the non-exceptions, you lucky biatches). One of the most *THRILLING* encounters on online dating are the men who do not know how to make a conversation. Sure they're hot, sure they have an amazing job, sure their dog is the one you've been daydreaming about adopting, but I don't care if they are Chris fucking Pine, if they can't make a light and easy conversation to get the fire burning, then let it go. It's a waste of your time and energy. I have a three question rule - if by me asking three questions (how's your week going, what do you do, are you married (LOL)), they don't engage back, I delete them. Move on. Next. To give you two examples: One man I matched with on Raya was very handsome, I had seen him around the neighborhood and he had an admirable job that he seemed to love. Once we matched, we made small talk. I would ask a question, he would respond IMMEDIATELY but never reciprocate. What gives? I noticed he was mutual friends with a girlfriend of mine so I reached out and asked what his deal was. She said, "OH girl....he just got out of a 5 year relationship like, yesterday." I have found there's usually a reason why they're hesitant to converse or they're just really busy, which is respectable but if they're too busy to say, "and what do you do?", how free do you think they'll be to start going out on dates? It may feel annoying and even a bummer to pass on that cute guy, but there is nothing more powerful and more attractive than a woman who knows she is valuable and maintains a don't fuck with my time mentality. Ya'll think Rihanna is waiting around for a guy to ask a question back?