In the middle of November I met someone who felt like he was literally sent from the dating Gods (thank you, Gyan Chakra Kriya). About a year ago my previous roommate and I would watch a rom-com TV show (no, I'm not going to tell you everything) almost nightly and googly-eye over one of the main characters. Fast forward to two months ago, after being so fed up with dating in New York, I decided to give Bumble a try again without much thought. I was too busy to put much energy into it but was open to testing the waters again.
Lo and behold, the very next day, I matched with the handsome character from the TV show. We met that evening at the cozy lounge Larry Lawrence, with instant chemistry from the moment we laid eyes on each other. Many hours and laughs later we sauntered over to St. Mazies, Williamsburg's equivalent of 1920's Paris, where the most beautiful brunette in a red silk dress sang in her sultry voice to the Jazz band playing behind her. It was the perfect night. And the perfect week. And nearly the perfect month, until things started to change.
I often wonder what is the fine line between a woman's intuition and her insecurities. I felt like things were changing, the dynamic was changing, like he was pulling back slightly. As I felt his pull back, I felt the insecurities starting to creep up. Here was the guy that I had a crush on from TV, a pisces (the perfect astrological match for a scorpio), not allergic to cats (a rarity amongst the male species), and not to mention is also interested in yoga, meditation, the whole nine yards. More than ever, especially since I was so tired of the game, I did not want things to go wrong. I was tired of dating and tired of things being exciting and then ending. I was just, you know, tired.
I finally took Lacy's (Free and Native) advice, who's been kicking my butt in the love department, and read the book (bear with me), Why Men Love Bitches. Yep. I went there. To be totally honest it was fascinating. Empowering. The title should be called Why Men Love Independent Badasses Who Know Their Worth. But as I read the book a month too late, I realized I wasn't totally acting in the way a badass who knew her worth would. And so, I decided I would use this as an opportunity to look at these insecurities, to use this romantic dynamic which wasn't the rush into love dynamic I was used to, to try to learn how to take things slow.
As challenging as it was, over the next few weeks I was absolutely forced to find my own security and self-confidence that doesn't come from getting validation from others - be it men, mentor, or peers. I was pushed to figure out what actually invoked a feeling of confidence, power, and radiance and over time, I realized that it was me living a life in which I am pursuing my passions and what I'm naturally good at: writing. The more I envisioned myself stepping into that power as a writer, the more I saw the successes that would come down the line, the bigger I saw my life becoming, the more powerful I began to feel as I started to write out goals and dreams I wanted to fulfill with writing.
And eventually, my intuition proved to be right to some extent as I found out (I asked - I know, lesson learned) that he was also seeing someone else.
Now I know at this point many of you would have walked away at that very moment. And I almost did. But after three hours of talking about it, a cocktail of a few tears and lots of laughter, I agreed to meet him later that evening after we both took some space to think about things, him not wanting me to end things and me wanting to say, "Bye Felicia."
During those few hours I thought about things. A lot of things. I looked at my patterns, my beliefs. I looked at how after being dumped nearly two years ago I created a pattern of trying to rush into relationships so I would feel a sense of control rather than just being patient to see how things unfold naturally (which obviously has not worked out well). I looked at how I relied on dating to give me a sense of worth and excitement rather than getting that from my career, which I wasn't quite getting because I wasn't pursuing my passion - writing. I looked at how I had indeed manifested someone quite wonderful with amazing chemistry and I initially agreed to give myself three months of playing it light and easy (see above of rushing) and how I did not abide by my own rule. I also questioned whether I would be shooting myself in the foot to continue to see someone who honestly (at least he was honest) shared that he was seeing someone else. I played all the scenarios in my head until I came a conclusion.
Later that evening we met at the Cafe Colette for a glass of wine, where he instantly told me he wasn't prepared to lose me so he was prepared to offer me monogamy. I could see he was tired, had been thinking all day about what to do, drained, and that this was a hard move for him as he had expressed earlier he did not think he was in the space or ready for a full blown relationship after ending something long term recently. Rather than just taking his offer because that's obviously what I wanted to hear, I wanted to be fair and share that I was willing to be open to continue doing exactly what we were doing, playing it light and easy as we continued to get to know each other and that I had wanted to give myself three months before coming to any decision. An impasse - both parties had given what the other wanted, we decided to continue the conversation the next day, to which he finally decided he would want to take the route I offered instead.
For the next two weeks I tried to do the open thing. I tried to play it cool. I tried to be okay with knowing that someone I really liked was also seeing someone else because I knew that I tried to rush things and wanted to go against the grain of my patterns in order to do something differently. Ultimately it was too challenging for me and i wasn't able to continue, finally ending things because I felt like I couldn't be someones option.
As so I finally ended it. To be honest, I've never broken up with someone before. It's always been mutual or until two years ago, they would decide to end it. It was one of the hardest things I've done because it forced me to trust. To trust that I was making the right decision when I could have stayed and worked out some more insecurities. To trust that although he was a pretty damn good manifestation, that it just wasn't right. To trust, that he's not the only fish in the sea. To trust that I will meet another person with all the elements in play and not missing important values. And ultimately, to trust in my own self-worth that I am worthy and deserve a partner who is also excited about the idea of it just being us two, of meeting someone who won't want to see other people at the same time.
And most importantly, throughout it all, I broke through the biggest block which was figuring out what makes me feel secure, which is following my passion and pursuing them without fear. When I put myself in that space I could feel all the insecurities melt away, any low self-worth instantly gone. I felt a new sense of personal power this time around that left me feeling like things will be okay (I surprisingly didn't even cry but don't get me wrong I love crying, crying is my favorite), more than okay. I felt like even though maybe even though it was the hard way, I really learned the lessons I needed to learn, like read Why Men Love Bitches and follow.the.rules and that my passions are what fuel my confidence and power and ultimately that the more I grow and evolve, the better match man I have dated becomes. So I can wholeheartedly, not broken-heartedly, say that with the lessons learned and passion invoked, I looked up to the sky and said, "Universe, can't wait to see what's next. Thank you."