28 and Single: Ten Stories + Lessons in Modern Dating

A few nights ago while having dinner with the ladies at Flower Shop in the Lower East Side, we were talking about the ups and downs of dating in New York City. In between the tears rolling from laughing so hard while sharing stories, one of my girlfriends said, “Well, you know it’s all fun and games until you’re 35 and single!” 

And something happened that surprised even me, the Scorpio. I mean, really surprised me. I got turned on. Somehow, the idea of being 35 and single and getting dressed up to date, flirt, and romance with the gorgeous men this city has to offer was enticing. Like a true Scorpio, I declared how turned on I felt by the idea of being a 35-year-old woman, powerful and single, romancing the night away. 

I suddenly felt conflicted and also bewildered as the wheels of my mind started spinning: “Why did I feel turned on by the idea of being 35 and single but haven’t felt turned on by the idea of being 28 and single? Why did I think, despite how far I’ve come in terms of self-acceptance, that 35 and single felt more comfortable in my head, seeing myself then as a sexy, confident 35 year-old-woman? Isn’t it true that when I was younger and didn’t care at all, I had no problem meeting men that wanted to commit immediately? Is there some sort of stigma that says, you can have fun while you’re young, but when you hit your late 20’s you have to stop having fun because then you’re not taking finding a partner seriously, so then you start taking it seriously and suddenly it becomes impossible to find someone ready to commit, so there you are, 35 and single and ready to have fun again because, well, what else can you do.”

My last relationship, the person in complete delusion I thought I was going to end up marrying, ended two years ago when he said, “I don’t want to be with you anymore” on the way to dinner. Looking back, I realize that despite that moment royally sucking, the end of that relationship was the catalyst for me to reconnect with my sexuality, with the whirlwind of dating, with learning what it meant to be a woman in her late 20’s navigating dating in New York City. 

For the last two years, I’ve found myself absolutely bashing dating, saying, “It’s so hard, it sucks, men are impossible, they are dingleberries, (insert your favorite line here).” I began to wonder why I was magnifying the negativity of the dating world when, truth be told, I’ve met and dated some of the most interesting, handsome, and eligible (okay maybe not so eligible) bachelors that live in this city and beyond. Reflecting back as Valentine’s Day approached, I saw how each of these men taught me something about myself and how dating hasn’t been all horror story but many moments of connection, fun, playfulness, laughter, excitement, and lessons in learning about the woman I want to be. Here are five stories and five lessons I’ve learned in the last two years of dating, dancing, and romancing. 

THE STORIES: 

THE RUSSIAN - The Russian was the first man I dated after dipping my toes back in the dating pool. To preface, my ex and I were best friends who loved each other but weren’t in love. We had zero passion and very little romance or sex in our relationship. I spiritually bypassed the entire lack of connection by thinking, if I just improve myself a little more, he'll be attracted to me again. The Russian, with his dark curly hair, blue eyes, dimples, and the sweetest smile combined with that insane sex appeal oozing from his confidence, reminded me that passion, romance, and chemistry was non-negotiable and definitely not something that would require me improving myself upon to receive more of it. The way he looked at me like I was the only person in the room, the wait he would grab my waist to let everyone else know I was his. He would always dress sharp, our dates would be at the hottest spots around town, he took care of everything without me even noticing. We would laugh, dance, and kiss until the early hours. Ultimately, he wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time so we transitioned into the most, and I mean the most, adoring and loving friendship I have ever had with a man. He became one of my closest friends. On my birthday he handwrites me the sweetest cards. When we run into each other in the neighborhood, we still kiss each other and look each other in the eyes with the same love that now fuels our friendship. A few months ago I was so frustrated with my autoimmune allergies and was complaining about puffy eyes. He stood there the entire time I talked, patiently waiting for me to finish, squeeing my shoulders with a sweet smile on his face as I rambled. Once I was done, he kissed both of my eyes and then said, “You’re beautiful” and then we linked arms, laughed, and continued on to walk each other home catching up on life. Over the last two years the Russian taught me one, that being treated like a queen is non-negotiable, and two, that love between a man and a woman, or any two persons for that matter, can exist without the need for it to be a romantic relationship. 

THE DESIGNER - The designer. Oh boy. As many of you know I used to work in menswear, which I absolutely LOVED. When the designer and I met for our first date at The Ludlow, we hit it off immediately. He was very downtown cool, dressed in all black, all 6’1 of him. After our first date, which was filled with the funniest banter and hilarious conversation, he awkwardly kissed me on the curb, put me in a cab, and text me approximately 32 seconds later to plan the next date. Before our date, I had checked out his work and LOVED his line and considering our first went very well, I was excited, heart fluttering, interested to see what would happen. A few weeks later it was Fashion Week and he had a show at one of the hottest hotel lobby’s in New York City. As I walked in, I was blown away, not by the presentation per se because I had worked in fashion for years, but because I hadn’t been in fashion for years. When I left fashion for the wellness world, I felt like I had to shun that industry. In that moment as I moved through the crowd, I felt absolutely electric, buzzing with creative energy as some of the most influential people in the industry, dressed to the nines sauntered by. And then Saint Jhn took the stage, in leather pants, no shirt, fur coat and my jaw was on the floor by his performance and the way the crowd lit on fire the moment he stepped on stage. I think it was the first time I had heard rap music in about three years. The entire experience was a lightening bolt realization that the previous four years I had renunciated that entire life in pursuit of health and wellness, only to get very sick, fatigue, depressed, and more miserable than ever. It was that electricity of the creative industry that made me realize creative energy IS the most healing energy and looks different to everyone, not trying to live up to a particular lifestyle and image that fits the wellness mold. A few days later, the Designer went to Paris for men’s fashion week, never to be heard from again. 

THE GUY WITH THE FINGER - I met a handsome guy on bumble who wanted to take me to St. Mazie’s one Thursday evening. He was the kind of handsome with tousled, curly beach hair but wore big, circular glasses and of course, had a slightly devilish grin that this Scorpio can’t resist. On Monday, he messaged me to say he actually had a surgery scheduled for Wednesday and didn’t think he could make Thursday happen anymore. Wow, I thought, that’s a first! I politely responded, “Hope surgery goes well!” expecting to never hear from him again. On Thursday, he sent me a photo and upon opening, it was a picture of him in a hospital gown, holding up a totally bandaged finger, with the goofiest, doped-up smile. Okay, so he actually did have a surgery. He wanted to move our plans to Saturday evening and I asked, “Maybe take a few days to recover from surgery? We can connect next week!” He responded, “Yes, yes you’re right, let’s do it next week!” Like any true Scorpio, I was asked out by another handsome gentleman so I made a date for St.Mazie’s on Saturday evening (stop! finger guy cancelled first!) My date and I walked in and it was totally packed. We went downstairs, packed too. As we made our way upstairs and began walking to the door to leave, I noticed a man walking straight towards me with disheveled beach hair and round glasses to boot, looking down, fumbling with his bandaged finger. Behind him, a gorgeous blonde, holding his shoulder as they made their way towards the bar. He looked up, saw my face, which was in the biggest smile I have ever smiled as I was trying to not burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, his eyes turned into a deer in headlights. I laughed as I walked past him and out the door. He continued to ask me out for two months after that evening. Men love what they can’t have, don’t they?  There’s no lesson here other than that was the most hilarious moment of my dating life. Oh, the other guy? When we got to the next spot, he told me how he sits on FaceBook and argues with people in the comments section about Trump, which promptly led me to poking both eyes out with my fork. 

THE PHOTOGRAPHER - We had known each other for years but reconnected last July. I was always attracted to him from afar as Scorpios can sense another Scorpio miles away. Over the years, he was in a very serious relationship and lived in Los Angeles, so he became a faint memory. One day, I saw him on Raya and immediately texted him out of frustration that he would even be on Raya with a lady, “What are you doing on here?! YOU’RE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP!” He responded immediately, laughing at my agitation and said that they had split about six months prior. We started briefly catching up, reminiscing about the good old days. I told him I’ll be in LA the next month, let’s grab a coffee. “Haha cool” he responded. I rolled my eyes, laughed, and went back to doing work. A month later I was in LA, totally forgot about the entire exchange, until he responded to one of my instagram stories saying, “You know I live in LA right.” I said, “Haha, cool.” Amused by my humor, he invited me to his place that evening. By this point, my eyes were stuck in the back of my head from rolling them so hard and cheeks were numb with laughter (he is literally the strangest but also most hilarious - imagine a younger, much hotter version of Woody Allen). I decided I would have fun with this and make him work for it, if he truly wanted to connect with me. I will not be coming to your house but you can take me out to dinner tomorrow night. Nearly ten minutes had gone by and he hadn’t responded. Of course, I thought. And then suddenly my phone chimed: “Reservations at Factory Kitchen tomorrow, 7pm. Pick you up at 6.30.”  Reservations? Pick me up? What??? The next evening we were locked in convo and chemistry for five hours. We were obviously very attracted to each other and while I could have let it be a one night, fun fling, what happens in L.A. stays in L.A. kind of thing, I wanted to play with power. As the night ended and I made it clear I was going back to my hotel, he told me he had a trip booked to New York in two weeks and that I should come stay with him for the weekend. I nearly fell over laughing at his audacity, because despite his boldness, he was sweet and funny and nerdy and vulnerable in that Woody way, even though he was this big shot photographer. I jokingly said, “Fine. Only if you book the Sky Box suite at the Ludlow.” That evening, as I crawled in bed, I checked my email with a confirmation from the Ludlow Hotel, from him, of the Sky Box suite. Hot Damn.

THE ZANDER - Zander and I matched on Raya but never really engaged in convo on the app. One early Wednesday morning a few weeks later, I was Crosby street in SoHo and only one other person was in sight, crossing the street towards me: Zander. We laughed and made a plan to link up over the next few days. After much witty, hilarious, for real LOL texting, and two coffee dates later (imagine Shmidt from New Girl, only infinitely more handsome), I said to him, “I don’t see us being together romantically but I want you to be my best friend.” Boys not liking to be turned down, Zander was not into that idea until a few weeks later I received a text with three words, “Okay FINE. Besties.” Although meeting through a dating app, he has become one of my best friends in New York. He feels like home. He cracks me up all day long. He drives me insane. He is brutally honest with me when others won’t be. He calls me out on my bullshit. He shows me my blindspots. That very night at Flower Shop with the girls, we ran into him downstairs later in the evening where he went on a Oprah meets Shmidt lecture about how I complain about dating when in reality I have a wall up and don’t let men in. I didn’t think he was right until the amnesia subsided to 20 minutes prior when one of the most handsome men at the spot came up to me and said, “Hi! I think I see you here quite often! What’s your name?” to which the following dryly and way too Scorpio came out of my mouth because I have entirely forgotten how to flirt IRL: “I haven’t been here in 6 months…” Excuse me while I go practice in the mirror. 

THE LESSONS: 

• Everyone we met to date is here to teach us something about ourselves. For example, I used to be extremely codependent and would only meet men who were extremely independent, leading me to have to let go of insecurities and learn how to stick to my independence even in relationships. If you want to go deeper into the self-work to clear out the blocks, I *highly* suggest doing UNBLOCKED with Lacy Phillips. 
• A lot of times we focus on the negativity of something. I spent so long focusing on how awful dating was, talking about how awful dating was, thinking about how awful dating was, that dating began to become exhausting. As I started to force myself to go out more when friends invited me to events, parties, and nights on the town, I slowly began to remember how exhilirating it was to meet people in person, to catch eyes with a stranger, to feel that chemistry in real life without googling a person and finding out their D.O.B, Astrological sign, and social security number all before the first date. Stop saying dating is hard. Stop saying dating sucks. Stop saying men are the worst. Your word creates worlds so look at what world you are creating with your words. 
• As women, we hold the power. Our attitude is everything and men feel that immediately. If our attitude about ourselves is insecure, men can feel that. If our attitude about ourselves is confident and powerful, men feel that too. Rather than putting men up on the pedestal, we have to put ourselves on the throne. If you need a powerful boost in the confidence area, I highly suggest doing at least three minutes of Sat Kriya a day. Eleven minutes and you’ll be a new person. 
• Never, ever give up your life for a guy. Even if you don’t tell them you secretly cancelled your plans with your girlfriend to hang out with them instead, they can subconsciously and energetically feel as though you are making yourself too available.
• And finally, let the man come to you. My girlfriend Veronica, who is as sassy and sexy as her name indicates, says, “Be the ovum.” At first I thought this was hilarious but then I looked at the energetics of it: the sperm seeks out to find the egg. By nature, by design, masculine energy seeks out to find the feminine energy. If you do it the opposite way and pursue men, they often times feel emasculated and deem the woman as desperate. I used to do this all the time. I thought I was being an empowered woman in modern day. It never works. I completely and utterly stopped reaching out to men first and it gives me a chance to hold the power and allow men to come to me. To give you a great example of the shift, I had recently started following someone on Instagram who is friends of friends and yes, I thought he was cute, and YES in the past I have sent messages to men in attempt to be “bold” and feminist if you will. This time I said, “Hmm, nope. I bet he will message me.” I took a shower and lo and behold, twenty minutes later I received a notification that said, “Hi.” 

When It's Not Working, The Universe is Trying to Save Your Ass

It’s been a while since I’ve met someone in person. I’ve mostly relied on dating apps to meet and mingle and navigate the world of dating in New York City in 2018. I’ve tried them all, from Bumble to Raya. Sometimes, it’s exciting, enticing, the uncertainty of who you might meet and what connections you might develop. Other times it’s royally exhausting trying to deal with the dudes who front and play it cool, only to disappear and never to be heard from again, which is the worst! And to be fair, this is also true for the men as my guy friends tell me often how they were super excited to meet a girl and she totally ghosts, or even worse which I am hearing is really common for the guys, is girls are standing them up. 

The online thing has it’s pros and cons. The former being that it can widen your horizon of who you get to meet especially if you work a lot and don’t venture much outside of your bubble. The latter being that it’s very, very easy to create a story in your head about someone before you’ve even met them, putting them on a massive pedestal before you’ve even said two words to each other. 

In the past I have found myself getting super excited to meet someone. They’re cute, they seem like a good fit, they have great style, a successful career…sign me UP. And then, for some reason, it’s just not happening. You know what I mean. They don’t really make the effort to make a date, but just like to be chatty. Or the timing is just not working out and it’s nearly impossible for the two of us to even meet for the first time, which is very frustrating because of the massive story that’s been playing out inside of that big head of mine about how *amazing* this person is. 

Let me give you a piece of advice from the trenches of single life: let. it. go. I promise you, this person is not the one, not even close. Over the past few years, I’ve definitely tried to make it work even when all the signs were point to no: either I had a gut feeling it wasn’t going to be good but decided to ignore, they weren’t being men and taking initiative leaving me to do the dirty work (never again), or whatever the other situation was that was all signs pointing to capital NO. And every single time I met with them anyways, I have literally wanted to put my head in a toilet bowl and slam the lid. Multiple times. 

The last time this happened I had a gut feeling that I didn’t want to go. But I thought I need to put myself out there and, well, he’s kind of cute in that serial killer vibe that Jesse Eisenberg gives as Lex Luthor in Batman vs. Superman. I get to the date and before he even sees me, I get clear view of him and  immediately begin wondering what is an acceptable excuse to spin around, walk out, catch a cab, and delete his number forever. 

But of course I would never do that because Karma (I have never been stood up, thank you very much) and so I walk over, sit down, and say, “Hi!” He turns to me and says, “Hi! It’s great to meet you.” As the words came out of his mouth, I almost fell off my chair and passed out as his breath smelled like cheese that had been sitting out in the desert sun for well over a month. On top of that, he was extremely belittling and rude. The date lasted all of 13 minutes. 

That was the last straw. Ever. 

When something isn’t working out, I now thank the Universe for saving my time and energy. For saving my ass and preventing from meeting a total dingleberry. It can be super frustrating because of the excitement of who this person is or might be, but I promise you, from much trial and error, that usually they are nothing like the idea you have in your head about them. When it’s right, there’s a sense of calm and ease and things progress in a way that feel effortless.

And the most important thing is to maintain dignity if they are acting like total fools. If they say they’ll reach out to make plans and don’t, try not to say anything. This one is so hard for me because I’m a Russian Scorpio and OMG I love nothing more than to stir the drama pot. But this dignity is not for them, not saying anything is not for them. It’s for us as women to maintain a magnetic field of “if you’re not making an effort, you’re not worth my time, and I could care less”, which is much sexier than. If you do say something, say very little, with the least amount of drama, and then drop it forever and ever. 

Dignity over dingleberries, ladies. They’re not worth it and someone much, much better is always just around the corner.

The Lost Art of Eye Contact

I’ll never forget the first time I was kissed by a stranger. Okay, maybe he wasn’t exactly a stranger. It was my birthday, November, 2013. I decided after years of not doing nothing on my birthday I would invite everyone I knew to the coziest bar in Williamsburg, thinking only a few people would show up. In a very un-New York manner, everyone came. About 30 of my nearest and dearest, most of whom didn’t know each other (as I have different pods of friends), came with more friends in tow to celebrate. We took over the space and everyone was getting along better than I ever imagined. 

My best friend Alysa and I, who was also my roommate at the time, were very single and ready to mingle with all these good looking, also single men who happened to show up. While Alysa played pool with a group of my guy friends, my coworker, Matt*, showed up alone. I went over to say hi and asked him why he’s alone. “Oh my friend is coming later.” We had been working together for about a year at this point and I had met what I thought to be all of his friends so I didn’t think twice to ask who. His eye was instantly drawn to Alysa, who looked like a bombshell supermodel holding down the pool table. “WHO is that?” he asked. I laughed, put my arm around him, and said, “That, my dear, is my best friend. Go say hi.”  

Playing pool with Alysa were my guy friends who worked at Saturdays at the time, some of the most handsome men in all of New York. Matt felt slightly discouraged to sat walk over when she was surrounded by total babes, so we sat down in a booth and started chatting away. 

A few minutes later, in walks the most handsome guy I had ever laid my eyes upon. Dark black hair slicked back perfectly but unshaven with a little scruff to balance it all out. Wearing a black jacket, dark denim, a white T-shirt, and, rugged black boots, he walked in the room with a level of confidence I had never seen, ever, in all six years of living in New York. Walking right towards us, he sits down next to me and says, “Hi”, with the widest sly grin and slight dimples that almost made me die on the spot. “Desiree, this is my friend Toby*, Toby this is the birthday girl I was telling you about.” 

God knows how I kept my composure, but I did and the three of us talked, laughed, and had one Mezcal on the rocks after the next. A few of Matt’s mutual friends ended up walking in the bar so he went over to say hi, leaving Toby and I to chat alone. Coming back a bit later, dragging his feet now because he still wanted to meet Alysa and she was still playing pool, he sat down with a long face and said, “How am I supposed to go up and say hi when she has all those guys around her?” 

Toby’s face turned into that sly, handsome grin and said, “Well Matt, this is how you do it.” He turns to me, goes in for a short but passionate kiss, leaving me absolutely stunned. Yes, that was the moment I died a bit. He pulls back, sticks his legs out into the aisle and crosses his ankles and his arms, with a confident smirk and says, “and that’s how it’s done.”

We dated for three months. 

Fast forward six years, two long-term relationships, and many app dates later, I look back and realize, those exhilarating encounters have occurred less and less in my own personal experience with the rise of technology and my own use of dating apps. I started hearing more of my friends saying that going out and meeting people was exhausting rather than the exciting anticipation of a night on town with your friends, never knowing who’s eyes you will meet and who’s lips you might lock with. 

We spend so much time looking down now, hiding behind our phones, making ourselves energetically unavailable to the world. I found myself on the subway the other day sitting across for a handsome man who locked eyes with me and as he started to smile, I looked back down at my phone thinking, “If he wants to meet me, he can come say hi.”

It was in that moment that I realized why dating, for lack of better word, sucks. I stopped playing the game. Rather than holding his gaze, maybe giving him a little smile to let him know I too think he’s cute, making myself available for the next move, I immediately shut down, making him do all the work, if he so desires. Which, why would he when my body language and energy all but screamed, I’m too busy and uninterested in engaging with you.

As I walked home, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had lost the art of flirting. I couldn’t remember the last time I flirted with a stranger, not someone that I had met on an app and felt the confidence in knowing that since we matched, we obviously might be attracted to each other. I felt bewildered. Me, a Scorpio, who doesn’t know how to flirt anymore. 

In that moment I decided I would delete the apps, not because they felt wrong, but because I wanted to challenge myself to open up energetically. To, as Thomas, the Wizard of Midtown says, flirt with the world. I wanted to challenge myself to go back in time and do things the old way, sans apps for one month. There’s an energetic exchange that happens when you meet someone you are attracted to, open yourself up to engage and begin the dance of courtship. The sexual energy that alchemizes in that moment of excitement between two people who realize their attraction to each other is a burst of energy in the lower triangle, the first, second, and third chakras. We feel confident, powerful, attractive, sexy. And after all, what is sexual energy? Creative energy…it’s always in those moments that we’re open to meeting new people that we feel the most creatively inspired. 

In a time when eye contact, flirting, meeting people IRL is becoming a lost art, I’m inspired to challenge the tides and see what it feels like to channel the masters of sexual energy and flirting with the world: French woman. Do you know why it’s easy for French women to flirt and engage with new men and women alike? Because they are absolutely confident in their skin…that confidence oozes and people can’t help but want to be around them, get to know them, and engage with them. 

So how about we all take a lesson from the Frenchies  and experiment with flirting with the world. A month of no apps, of making an effort to go out with friends when they extend the invitation rather than sitting on the couch with multiple episodes of Friends. A month of engaging with the world in a way that we have to uphold a level of self-care and self-respect that we feel confident, beautiful, and absolutely magnetic, rather than hiding behind insecurities. 

The real magic, I think, happens when we go against the tide, not with it. 

(*names changed so my friends don't kill me in my sleep)

Men Really Do Love Bitches

A few months ago I sat across from my friend Jesse at Sweetgreens, catching him up all the hilarious and absolutely ridiculous (my eyes rolled so many times they almost got stuck) stories from the dates I had been over the past year. With every story he burst into laughter and I declared I wanted to write a expose on modern dating for the New York Times, how the game of love has changed rapidly with the rise of Tinder and Bumble and Raya. He went from an ear-to-ear smile to the most determined visage and said, “D, you have such a funny way of sharing these stories and experiences that so many people go through… you have to do this.” 

Eight months, many dates (I’m a Scorpio, can’t you tell), passionate romances and a few heartbreaks later, here I am finally writing it. About love and romance and maybe lack thereof. About confidence and insecurities and how to feel beautiful when modern dating can make us feel dispensible.

I put off writing about this topic this because it didn’t fit the model of the wellness world I had positioned myself in over the years, or so I thought. But over time I realized that everything I was learning was really me searching to FEEL something other than insecure… it was helping me activate that confidence, beauty, radiance, and magnetism. It was teaching me how to feel sexier, embodied, empowered, and inspired by life, which is the most attractive thing on planet Earth. 

By no means am I an expert on love and relationships. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Very, very much the opposite. Dating in New York in 2018 is hella confusing. But the silver lining is that it’s taught me more about insecurities, confidence, sexuality, sensuality, and power that I could read in any article on Elle or Vogue about why the men I liked kept running 100mph the other way and why the men I wasn’t into would do things like send me a bouquet of flowers on my birthday, even when they were on a work trip in Japan (yes, this happened once after three dates). 

What I’ve learned the hard way over the last year and a half can be summed up into five words: Men really do love bitches. 

Now, if you’ve read the book, (thanks Lacy) you know the bitch isn’t mean. It’s about knowing who you are and not letting anything get in the way of that. And I think that's the place where so many women, including myself at times, can get tripped up on: knowing what makes us feel secure, what we’re passionate about, what lights us up. Because when all of those things are lined up, we are literally the most magnetic, attractive, and radiant beings on the planet. 

Take my best friend A, for example. Not only is she beautiful but she’s the most driven woman I know. She’s passionate about her work and what she does. She’s confident in her body and skin. She’s got that certain sex appeal that even woman go crazy for.

Back when we were single ladies together when she lived in NYC, she would have multiple men blowing her phone up to take her out at any given time. A would completely ignore all messages until we were finished having lunch, coffee, a drink, or what ever, and yes, would still not respond even many hours after. And yes again, even the men she was super attracted to. Because to A, her life came first. Men come second. Don’t get me wrong, she’s as wild as she is beautiful - but she will never prioritize a guy over her career, her friends, and the time where she needs to lay in her bathrobe with her legs up the wall and FaceTime me for six hours. 

So how do we get what A's got? In finding things that make us feel good head-to-toe. I'm talking about what straight up turns all the lights on inside of us. What excites us, what makes us feel inspired and good inside of our bodies (and no, I'm not talking about a juice cleanse). It's an opportunity to fill up our proverbial tank so that we begin to feel happy with the lives we're creating rather than waiting for Prince Charming to do that for us (thank you, Disney for that lovely psychological implant). And then, of course, Prince Charming comes around when we're least expecting it because we're feeling good, really good, from the inside-out, and that confidence, that radiance, that need-free space is what attracts everything. 

How To Be Okay When Things Don't Work Out Romantically

In the middle of November I met someone who felt like he was literally sent from the dating Gods (thank you, Gyan Chakra Kriya). About a year ago my previous roommate and I would watch a rom-com TV show (no, I'm not going to tell you everything) almost nightly and googly-eye over one of the main characters. Fast forward to two months ago, after being so fed up with dating in New York, I decided to give Bumble a try again without much thought. I was too busy to put much energy into it but was open to testing the waters again. 

Lo and behold, the very next day, I matched with the handsome character from the TV show. We met that evening at the cozy lounge Larry Lawrence, with instant chemistry from the moment we laid eyes on each other. Many hours and laughs later we sauntered over to St. Mazies, Williamsburg's equivalent of 1920's Paris, where the most beautiful brunette in a red silk dress sang in her sultry voice to the Jazz band playing behind her. It was the perfect night. And the perfect week. And nearly the perfect month, until things started to change. 

I often wonder what is the fine line between a woman's intuition and her insecurities. I felt like things were changing, the dynamic was changing, like he was pulling back slightly. As I felt his pull back, I felt the insecurities starting to creep up. Here was the guy that I had a crush on from TV, a pisces (the perfect astrological match for a scorpio), not allergic to cats (a rarity amongst the male species), and not to mention is also interested in yoga, meditation, the whole nine yards. More than ever, especially since I was so tired of the game, I did not want things to go wrong. I was tired of dating and tired of things being exciting and then ending. I was just, you know, tired. 

I finally took Lacy's (Free and Native) advice, who's been kicking my butt in the love department, and read the book (bear with me), Why Men Love Bitches. Yep. I went there. To be totally honest it was fascinating. Empowering. The title should be called Why Men Love Independent Badasses Who Know Their Worth. But as I read the book a month too late, I realized I wasn't totally acting in the way a badass who knew her worth would. And so, I decided I would use this as an opportunity to look at these insecurities, to use this romantic dynamic which wasn't the rush into love dynamic I was used to, to try to learn how to take things slow. 

As challenging as it was, over the next few weeks I was absolutely forced to find my own security and self-confidence that doesn't come from getting validation from others - be it men, mentor, or peers. I was pushed to figure out what actually invoked a feeling of confidence, power, and radiance and over time, I realized that it was me living a life in which I am pursuing my passions and what I'm naturally good at: writing. The more I envisioned myself stepping into that power as a writer, the more I saw the successes that would come down the line, the bigger I saw my life becoming, the more powerful I began to feel as I started to write out goals and dreams I wanted to fulfill with writing. 

And eventually, my intuition proved to be right to some extent as I found out (I asked - I know, lesson learned) that he was also seeing someone else.

Now I know at this point many of you would have walked away at that very moment. And I almost did. But after three hours of talking about it, a cocktail of a few tears and lots of laughter, I agreed to meet him later that evening after we both took some space to think about things, him not wanting me to end things and me wanting to say, "Bye Felicia."  

During those few hours I thought about things. A lot of things. I looked at my patterns, my beliefs.  I looked at how after being dumped nearly two years ago I created a pattern of trying to rush into relationships so I would feel a sense of control rather than just being patient to see how things unfold naturally (which obviously has not worked out well). I looked at how I relied on dating to give me a sense of worth and excitement rather than getting that from my career, which I wasn't quite getting because I wasn't pursuing my passion - writing. I looked at how I had indeed manifested someone quite wonderful with amazing chemistry and I initially agreed to give myself three months of playing it light and easy (see above of rushing) and how I did not abide by my own rule. I also questioned whether I would be shooting myself in the foot to continue to see someone who honestly (at least he was honest) shared that he was seeing someone else. I played all the scenarios in my head until I came a conclusion. 

Later that evening we met at the Cafe Colette for a glass of wine, where he instantly told me he wasn't prepared to lose me so he was prepared to offer me monogamy. I could see he was tired, had been thinking all day about what to do, drained, and that this was a hard move for him as he had expressed earlier he did not think he was in the space or ready for a full blown relationship after ending something long term recently. Rather than just taking his offer because that's obviously what I wanted to hear, I wanted to be fair and share that I was willing to be open to continue doing exactly what we were doing, playing it light and easy as we continued to get to know each other and that I had wanted to give myself three months before coming to any decision. An impasse - both parties had given what the other wanted, we decided to continue the conversation the next day, to which he finally decided he would want to take the route I offered instead. 

For the next two weeks I tried to do the open thing. I tried to play it cool. I tried to be okay with knowing that someone I really liked was also seeing someone else because I knew that I tried to rush things and wanted to go against the grain of my patterns in order to do something differently. Ultimately it was too challenging for me and i wasn't able to continue, finally ending things because I felt like I couldn't be someones option. 

As so I finally ended it. To be honest, I've never broken up with someone before. It's always been mutual or until two years ago, they would decide to end it. It was one of the hardest things I've done because it forced me to trust. To trust that I was making the right decision when I could have stayed and worked out some more insecurities. To trust that although he was a pretty damn good manifestation, that it just wasn't right. To trust, that he's not the only fish in the sea. To trust that I will meet another person with all the elements in play and not missing important values. And ultimately, to trust in my own self-worth that I am worthy and deserve a partner who is also excited about the idea of it just being us two, of meeting someone who won't want to see other people at the same time. 

And most importantly, throughout it all, I broke through the biggest block which was figuring out what makes me feel secure, which is following my passion and pursuing them without fear. When I put myself in that space I could feel all the insecurities melt away, any low self-worth instantly gone. I felt a new sense of personal power this time around that left me feeling like things will be okay (I surprisingly didn't even cry but don't get me wrong I love crying, crying is my favorite), more than okay. I felt like even though maybe even though it was the hard way, I really learned the lessons I needed to learn, like read Why Men Love Bitches and follow.the.rules and that my passions are what fuel my confidence and power and ultimately that the more I grow and evolve, the better match man I have dated becomes. So I can wholeheartedly, not broken-heartedly, say that with the lessons learned and passion invoked, I looked up to the sky and said, "Universe, can't wait to see what's next. Thank you."