A few months ago I sat across from my friend Jesse at Sweetgreens, catching him up all the hilarious and absolutely ridiculous (my eyes rolled so many times they almost got stuck) stories from the dates I had been over the past year. With every story he burst into laughter and I declared I wanted to write a expose on modern dating for the New York Times, how the game of love has changed rapidly with the rise of Tinder and Bumble and Raya. He went from an ear-to-ear smile to the most determined visage and said, “D, you have such a funny way of sharing these stories and experiences that so many people go through… you have to do this.”
Eight months, many dates (I’m a Scorpio, can’t you tell), passionate romances and a few heartbreaks later, here I am finally writing it. About love and romance and maybe lack thereof. About confidence and insecurities and how to feel beautiful when modern dating can make us feel dispensible.
I put off writing about this topic this because it didn’t fit the model of the wellness world I had positioned myself in over the years, or so I thought. But over time I realized that everything I was learning was really me searching to FEEL something other than insecure… it was helping me activate that confidence, beauty, radiance, and magnetism. It was teaching me how to feel sexier, embodied, empowered, and inspired by life, which is the most attractive thing on planet Earth.
By no means am I an expert on love and relationships. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Very, very much the opposite. Dating in New York in 2018 is hella confusing. But the silver lining is that it’s taught me more about insecurities, confidence, sexuality, sensuality, and power that I could read in any article on Elle or Vogue about why the men I liked kept running 100mph the other way and why the men I wasn’t into would do things like send me a bouquet of flowers on my birthday, even when they were on a work trip in Japan (yes, this happened once after three dates).
What I’ve learned the hard way over the last year and a half can be summed up into five words: Men really do love bitches.
Now, if you’ve read the book, (thanks Lacy) you know the bitch isn’t mean. It’s about knowing who you are and not letting anything get in the way of that. And I think that's the place where so many women, including myself at times, can get tripped up on: knowing what makes us feel secure, what we’re passionate about, what lights us up. Because when all of those things are lined up, we are literally the most magnetic, attractive, and radiant beings on the planet.
Take my best friend A, for example. Not only is she beautiful but she’s the most driven woman I know. She’s passionate about her work and what she does. She’s confident in her body and skin. She’s got that certain sex appeal that even woman go crazy for.
Back when we were single ladies together when she lived in NYC, she would have multiple men blowing her phone up to take her out at any given time. A would completely ignore all messages until we were finished having lunch, coffee, a drink, or what ever, and yes, would still not respond even many hours after. And yes again, even the men she was super attracted to. Because to A, her life came first. Men come second. Don’t get me wrong, she’s as wild as she is beautiful - but she will never prioritize a guy over her career, her friends, and the time where she needs to lay in her bathrobe with her legs up the wall and FaceTime me for six hours.
So how do we get what A's got? In finding things that make us feel good head-to-toe. I'm talking about what straight up turns all the lights on inside of us. What excites us, what makes us feel inspired and good inside of our bodies (and no, I'm not talking about a juice cleanse). It's an opportunity to fill up our proverbial tank so that we begin to feel happy with the lives we're creating rather than waiting for Prince Charming to do that for us (thank you, Disney for that lovely psychological implant). And then, of course, Prince Charming comes around when we're least expecting it because we're feeling good, really good, from the inside-out, and that confidence, that radiance, that need-free space is what attracts everything.