(earlier today) it's 7.23 am on a Saturday morning. I'm in head-to-toe white heading to my 4th White Tantric workshop. There's a lot of promises behind the event so as I sat on the A train, which was filled with sleeping men and smelled like rotten egg rolls, I tried to think if my life has changed much since that first course two years ago. Of course, now that I ask myself whether or not I've changed, I'm totally blanking, like when Chris asks me to tell him what a pulse means. Five years of a masters degree in Chinese Medicine, all this inner + outer work, and he takes one look at me with the stern eyes of a Master and my mind becomes a blank as a freshly cleaned chalkboard. Gurujas once said in class, "80% of your life is set for you when you arrive on planet earth so you can't do much about that but you can change how you react to it." I come from a background of addicts, so I tend to think self-destruction runs through my veins. If I can look back, every training I've done, every class I've taken, every cleanse I've tried over the last five years has been to eradicate it, to clean that part of me out. Not much worked, at all, until I found Kundalini Yoga. So when I heard White Tantric was coming to town two years ago, with all of its glorious promises, I was determined. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. I came out with such amazement at what I could do, what this body could do, what this mind could do. That's the reason I keep going back. Most of my life I disliked myself. Yoga + meditation became a way to like myself. White Tantric has been an opportunity for me to utterly amaze myself. To be able to say, "I did it" when my strong dislike for discipline leaves me saying I couldn't more than I would like. While I can't pinpoint that Tantric has done this or has done that, it's an opportunity to put myself through the fire so when the coals of life burn hot, I can say, "remember that time you did it?" and walk across with grace (or something like that).